Have you been bitten by a snake? I have been bitten by a snake. Not in real life, but in my dreams some ten days ago. I have been bitten by a dog in my dream, a dog that doesn’t let go off my palm, while I squirm in my pain. I constantly dream of death, it’s like a weekly feature in my dreams; somebody has to die. I am constantly running in my dreams. I appear for exams unprepared in my dreams and I fail the exams that I seemed prepared for in my dreams. I have always wanted to stop dreaming. Why? Because they visualize some of my deepest fears. When I look up for their meaning (yes, I Google everything), it reads that my dreams symbolize anxiety. That’s another thing, I have always wanted to stop being anxious. But wanting is never good enough. You need a plan. And my anxiety mitigation plans almost always fail.
I was 14 when my cousin got married. It was the dream marriage, not in terms of opulence but in terms of affection. She married the guy she fell in love with; even if it took years to materialize, they stood by each other. I always wanted love like that. I wanted to model my love life on hers. But as it turns out, some wants you outgrow. I have another cousin who got married last year. When we talk about her life, I realize that love often is nothing but a sense of comfort, a sense of ease that you find in the company of a person. Even though we have that dream couple in our families or our friends or in our figments of imagination. But our love does not have to be necessarily that love. Because we might find our own brand of affection. We might find love in ways that were once alien to us. We might find love in immensity that seemed unbelievable at one time. Maybe love is nothing but discovering a safe haven in another person. Maybe our love is meant to be its own brand of enlightenment.
For 15 days in my life, I was going to be a doctor. And then I switched paths. Because I thought that I was better suited in a non science career. I thought I’d make a good journalist. I wanted to be a journalist. Or maybe a storyteller of some sort. I wanted to tell stories for a living. Then, I got knocked off in a completely different direction. Because I liked the subject of accounting. It’s easy to fall prey to the illusion of liking something that you’re good at. I fell prey to it and here I am, writing 150th time about career and identity crisis.
There was an interview that I should have appeared for. It was for the profile of an assistant director in a production house. I wanted to take a chance at it. I enjoyed television. I enjoyed imagining spin off stories for the shows I watched. I enjoyed thinking ahead of the last episode. I was obsessed with television. But I never went for that interview. Because I thought about how my decision would affect the people in my life. But I never thought how passing on that opportunity would affect me for the rest of my life. I want to undo that decision; I want to undo that day; I want to be rid of this regret; I want to at least try.
I think it was five years ago, when someone had caught me off guard with their impolite words. I was sitting in their room and they insulted me. It was a pre meditated attack. I walked out without uttering a single word. Why? Because I hate confrontations. I hate being unkind. Between then and now, I have witnessed people being disrespectful to me. I still don’t say a word. Why? Because I took all those moral sciences lessons to heart. So I don’t hurt people. I let them hurt me. How do you erase all these values? How do you stoop so low with your words and actions? I want to learn that. But I don’t know where should I begin from.
- In one of the few interviews that I have appeared for, I was asked about my weaknesses. I had very confidently spoken about my introversion, on how I take some time in mingling with people. At that time, I would always imagine what a nightmare would it be for people to work with me. But lately I have realized I may not be that bad a colleague. Yes, I may not flash a smile at you as you begin at my office or swarm my way through your lunch table conversations. But I might come of help on that day that you are struggling, crack a joke or two in crunch hour and be a continued source of information ranging from office politics to Pokemon Go. Or maybe I am a nightmare – not the kind that haunts you for days but the one that you eventually make peace with.
- I am not fond of my immediate superior at work, the woman that I have been reporting to for a year now. Our mindsets don’t match and our approach to work does not form a peaceful parallel. Naturally, I have never given her a thought beyond that office space and working hours. Last year, I had discovered a dear friend at work who left a month after we started talking. In the days that followed, I had felt a void. Like you have a joke to share but you cannot see the person who’d laugh the most with you or you are confused on a point but the person that you were least hesitant to approach is not sitting next to you. I would still reach my friend through a text or a call. But come to think of it, my superior has been working here for 5 years. She has seen many people come and leave, some of whom she must have enjoyed working with or conversing to. She talks lesser than she used you to last year and hers may not be a very pleasant situation at work.
- I was one of the many unfortunate people who tried participating in Xiaomi’s 2nd anniversary flash sale yesterday. I managed to press the buy now button which led me to the Xiaomi Mi5 product page. I selected the model and the page continued to load for over ten minutes before I hit refresh. The app displayed the usual product page with a discounted price of 22,999. A friend told me that his app displayed out of stock the second it was 2 pm and that the browser’s timing was 2 second behind. On reaching the internet, I found many such stories where people with as fast as a 50 mbps connection failed to grab the coveted Rupee one deals. Some people verified the MIUI ids displayed in the winner’s list and as it turns out quite a many do not exist. Out of the hundreds of comments that I had read only two people claimed that they were successful in buying a power bank. The admin of Mi India’s facebook page continued stating that the stocks flew off in .01 second and there were other promising discounts that people should have a look at. But my point is, if that is what was meant to be the USP of the 2nd anniversary celebrations then why not be upfront about it. Why not publicize the discounts in the first place rather than putting up a farce in the face of a flash sale and tricking people. I know, rupee 1 is far too good to be true but that is how naive I am, I believe in good things and giveaways. I would have liked my belief to be upheld, even if it was for someone else.
- As a child, I may not have foreseen what I was going to become when I grow up but I had foreseen myself to be financially independent. I have always enjoyed saving whatever came to me as pocket money and then spending a part of that savings into a thing I sought to own. I am 23 and I am not earning. I am studying. I believe it takes a different brand of patience to be 23 and to not be earning. To be doing what I am not very confident about and to be believing every day, that this will fulfill at least one of my childhood dreams- being financially independent. I look at all the things that I can do, the places that I can be to, the products I could buy and how little have I earned in these years. I have not been raised in deprivation, my parents will happily buy me anything that I desire, I have a good amount of savings but right now I desire to freewheel with money and freewheeling with my parents’ money will tantamount to one thing- guilt.
P.S. I think I am coming to enjoy writing in an unrestricted fashion because this lets me put whatever’s going on in my head to paper howsoever varied the thoughts may be individually. What do you enjoy more, writing with a sense of direction or carefree rants like this one?