Presently from inside my head- VIII

Have you been bitten by a snake? I have been bitten by a snake. Not in real life, but in my dreams some ten days ago. I have been bitten by a dog in my dream, a dog that doesn’t let go off my palm, while I squirm in my pain. I constantly dream of death, it’s like a weekly feature in my dreams; somebody has to die. I am constantly running in my dreams. I appear for exams unprepared in my dreams and I fail the exams that I seemed prepared for in my dreams. I have always wanted to stop dreaming. Why? Because they visualize some of my deepest fears. When I look up for their meaning (yes, I Google everything), it reads that my dreams symbolize anxiety. That’s another thing, I have always wanted to stop being anxious. But wanting is never good enough. You need a plan. And my anxiety mitigation plans almost always fail.


I was 14 when my cousin got married. It was the dream marriage, not in terms of opulence but in terms of affection. She married the guy she fell in love with; even if it took years to materialize, they stood by each other. I always wanted love like that. I wanted to model my love life on hers. But as it turns out, some wants you outgrow. I have another cousin who got married last year. When we talk about her life, I realize that love often is nothing but a sense of comfort, a sense of ease that you find in the company of a person. Even though we have that dream couple in our families or our friends or in our figments of imagination. But our love does not have to be necessarily that love. Because we might find our own brand of affection. We might find love in ways that were once alien to us. We might find love in immensity that seemed unbelievable at one time. Maybe love is nothing but discovering a safe haven in another person. Maybe our love is meant to be its own brand of enlightenment.


For 15 days in my life, I was going to be a doctor. And then I switched paths. Because I thought that I was better suited in a non science career. I thought I’d make a good journalist. I wanted to be a journalist. Or maybe a storyteller of some sort. I wanted to tell stories for a living. Then, I got knocked off in a completely different direction. Because I liked the subject of accounting. It’s easy to fall prey to the illusion of liking something that you’re good at. I fell prey to it and here I am, writing 150th time about career and identity crisis.

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There was an interview that I should have appeared for. It was for the profile of an assistant director in a production house. I wanted to take a chance at it. I enjoyed television. I enjoyed imagining spin off stories for the shows I watched. I enjoyed thinking ahead of the last episode. I was obsessed with television. But I never went for that interview. Because I thought about how my decision would affect the people in my life. But I never thought how passing on that opportunity would affect me for the rest of my life. I want to undo that decision; I want to undo that day; I want to be rid of this regret; I want to at least  try.


I think it was five years ago, when someone had caught me off guard with their impolite words. I was sitting in their room and they insulted me. It was a pre meditated attack. I walked out without uttering a single word. Why? Because I hate confrontations. I hate being unkind. Between then and now, I have witnessed people being disrespectful to me. I still don’t say a word. Why? Because I took all those moral sciences lessons to heart. So I don’t hurt people. I let them hurt me. How do you erase all these values? How do you stoop so low with your words and actions? I want to learn that. But I don’t know where should I begin from.


 

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Presently from inside my head VII

  • I was once facing trouble solving a problem in an accounting lecture because I had missed an earlier lecture. A friend then argued with me that sometimes it doesn’t hurt to ask for help. To which I told her that somehow I prefer figuring things on my own and not depending on others. She did not understand my point and felt that I was being a snob pretending to know everything. However, we don’t even talk now, which substantiates my belief- try not to depend on others. Because the fact is that people leave. They leave for better people, better environment or better opportunities. When you begin to depend on people and then those people decide to leave, it is troublesome to go through the process of un-depending on them. Not that I blame them for leaving, because sometimes had I been in a similar position, maybe I would’ve left too. Or maybe, I wouldn’t leave which makes the process of people leaving all the more unsettling.
  • I have always failed to understand what comfort do people find in raising their voices. If raising your voice could render your mistakes correct, could prove a person guilty of a wrongful act or could give you a moral high ground, then trust me all of us would have simply raised our voices to solve all our problems. The reason that I will not lift my volume against you is not because I don’t have a valid argument against you but because I understand the difference between a loud argument and a meaningful argument.
  • The most exhausting task in the world is to sit idle. Imagine you are made to sit in a place for a fixed number of hours. There is nothing that you can do but sit and stare ahead. Also, you have to keep doing this for a period of 3 years. That perhaps is the most daunting task in the world.
  • Why don’t they make shows like Gilmore Girls anymore? Why do all our shows have to be about power play and vengeance? People are being killed, people are being overthrown, people are being tortured, people are being exploited for personal benefits and people are being subjected to substance abuse. That pretty much sums our shows these days. Gilmore Girls is simple- it is centered on families, friendships and young love and a lot of coffee. It is warm and identifiable. Unlike today’s young shows, it is not juvenile at all. In spite of it being so straightforward, you are so invested in the characters that sometimes it is difficult to pick a side. Should it be Max or Luke? Should Rory go to Harvard or Yale? Should Lorelai be so unpleasant with her parents? The underlying point being that sometimes ordinary lives make for appealing plots.
  • Never be polite with an inconsiderate person. Because, it gives them the assurance that no matter how discourteous and self centered they be, their acts of unkindness will never rebound to them. If you want to be good, there are a lot of people in this world who could benefit from an act of kindness.
  • Have you ever been in a situation where you are surrounded with people who are acting stupid? These people are nice to you otherwise but their stupidity is hurting you. And then you find yourself in a conflict on whether you should resent their stupidity or ignore it because at the end of the day they are good to you.
  • I have almost a hundred ideas in my head that I want to write about. But, I will never be able to make time for any of those. Sometimes, I think that I should cut them short and include them in a random post like this one but at the same time I think that will such an inclusion do any justice to those ideas. Ultimately, I end up not writing about those ideas at all and they lay in that silent corner of my brain, consistently reminding of my negligence.

 

 

 

Connected Hum Tum- PhD in Female Psyche

downloadThe newest show on Zee Tv explores the lives of six ordinary women, each of these women record their most intimate moments and feelings through a camera. The first one is struggling with the transitions in her marriage- her husband shying away from family responsibilities and losing interest in family. The second one once divorce Continue reading “Connected Hum Tum- PhD in Female Psyche”