Lessons

“Why did it have to rain today?”, quizzed Namrata.

“I wish I had an answer to that.”, replied Pranav as he flipped the pages of the menu,

“Why does it always rain at the wrong time?”, Namrata wondered.

“Maybe because rains have not stumbled upon the concept of time.”, Pranav told her cheekily.

“Why do my plans get soiled every time?”, she asked him.

“Excuse me, my plans?”, he remarked.

“Okay our plans, why do our plans get soiled every time?”, she corrected herself.

“Isn’t that a question that the Dark Lord should have asked the death eaters?”, added Pranav.

“Can we not do anything?”, she asked him.

“You, for one, can stop fidgeting.”, he suggested.

“Fidgeting, you call this fidgeting. This is a normal human reaction to a problem.”, she replied infuriated.

“Ah, how can I forget your penchant for ‘normal human reactions’.”, he said recalling her restlessness at the airport when their flight was delayed.

“Never miss a chance to take a dig at me, do you.”, she pointed out.

“Try my best not to.”, he affirmed.

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“Why haven’t we ordered already?”, she questioned trying to divert his attention from her.

“Because apparently you have better things to think about than food.”, he answered. Looking at the crimson in her cheeks building up, he decided not to test her fury any further and asked, “What do you want to have?”

“Momos”, she answered.

Shaking his head in denial, he told her, “I will choose to ignore that.”

Shaking her head back at him, she told him firmly, “Seriously, we cannot come to Leh and not eat momos. That is a crime.”

“You know I don’t like momos, unless they are fried and fried momos aren’t on the menu.”; he tried reasoning with her.

“My bad, I had forgotten about Punjabis and their penchant for fried food.”, she said playfully.

“Fine, we will order momos.”, he said before she could play another joke on his North Indian attributes.

“And?”, she asked him.

“Thukpa? I think we should try Thukpa; both of us can use some warmth.”, he replied.

She smiled at him and said, “Getting strong at your puns Pranav, but I am ‘not’ impressed.”

He smiled back at her and pointed out, “But, when have you been?”

“Never, really.”, she added.

“Let’s add crispy noodles and spring rolls to that.”, he suggested.

“How can I say no to that, ever?”, she remarked.

“Never, really.”, he added further.

 

She shifted her attention to the downpour again and said, “Imagine, had it not been raining we could have been in Booklover’s Retreat sipping onto a warm cup of latte and reading.”

With a hint of surprise in his eyes, he asked her, “Is that it Namrata? That is what you want to do in Leh, be in a book store that doubles up as a cafe. We could have gone to Cha Bar in Connaught Place instead, would’ve saved our parents a lot of money and us a lot of time.”

“Being in a book cafe in Leh counts as an important experience.”, she said in her defense.

He could not believe that she was worried about not being in a book cafe right now and she was defending herself on this. He then said, “There are a number of other cafe experiences that Leh has to offer. Right at this time, we could have been scoring some chocolate momos and sipping onto jungli chai in Bon Apetit as the day changed its colors, we could have been in Gesmos gorging onto Yak Cheese Pizzas because you do not get Yak Cheese any place else in this country, we could have been in the Apple Garden Restaurant and eat amidst an apple orchard because it is not everyday that we get to be in an orchard, we could have been in Old Leh walking our way to Lala’s Cafe where coffee and cake comes with a history lesson, we could have been in the German Bakery and eating possibly the most delectable apple crumble. So you see, it is not always experiences with books that are the ones to look out for.”

Namata could not comprehend if he was trying to lift her spirits up or subdue them further by apprising her of the many things that they could have been doing presently. She woefully added, “And now I feel worse, for missing out on everything that this place has to offer and dining in the hotel because it had to rain on this vacation.”

“Dining in the hotel does not take away from the fact that we are still in Leh which is perched at an altitude of 11,000 feet; the restaurant we are sitting in offers a fairly good view of marvel that this place is and if you could just relax and open your eyes to what are we surrounded with, this might come across as an experience to you.”, he tried explaining to her.

Namrata did not argue further, rather she was smiling. He asked her, “Why are you smiling now?”

“I was wondering that I have always been this impatient -which evidently is quite irksome to you-then how is it that you fell in love with me, at all?”, she quizzed him.

“You weren’t this impatient.”, he answered not sure of himself.

“Dates back to my childhood, I believe, impatience is thy second name.”, she told him funnily.

“Haha, I don’t know about impatience but it isn’t every day that you are this good on self assessment.”, he joked.

“Tell me Pranav, did my restlessness not bother you then?”, she questioned him seriously.

“I always managed to talk you out of it or redeem for a cancelled plan.”, he answered.

“How?”, she asked.

“Do you remember your convocation?”, he asked her.

“Ah, you missed it.”, she recalled.

“It was a long day at work, I could not bail out early. I missed the convocation and also the grad dinner date I had promised you.” he explained.

“I was infuriated.”, she exclaimed.

“You weren’t taking my call., he reminded her.

“Call? I had resolved to not look in your direction again.” she told him.

Pranav added, “So at around midnight, I came to your friend’s apartment with a cold pizza, a britannia cake and a bottle of coke to make good on the grad dinner promise and to make you reconsider your decision of never looking at me again.”

“The minute you started talking, my rage began to dispel and we ultimately ended up having a date in the parking lot.”, she confessed to him.

“That was a good date.”, he remarked.

“That was an amazing date. Come to think of it, we made a cute couple back then.”, she admitted wistfully.

“Come to think of it, ‘our love back then’ sounds so ancient.” he admitted with a sense of hurt in his voice.

“Sometimes the answers lie in ancient tales.”, she said purposefully.

“What are you talking about?”, he inquired.

“Maybe, we should talk.”, she suggested.

“Talk about what?”, he asked further.

“Everything that’s going on with us.”, she answered.

“You think that will help in dispelling our rage?”, he inquired.

“If not, relationship reconciliation talks in Leh sounds like an experience in itself.”, she responded chuckling.


This is the 12th chapter of the story I had begun to write as a part of AtoZ. To make more sense of it, hop onto the page Anniversary and Kashmir.


Image has been sourced from this link.

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Karaoke and Kinesis

Chand si mehbooba ho meri kab

Aisa maine socha tha

Hann tum bilkul waisi ho

Jaise maine socha tha

He sang to me as I scooted inside the gates of The Grand Dragon, Leh. His lips inching closer to my helmet clad face, his breath lingering on  my neck, his grasp slightly firm on my waist and his voice solemn, more solemn than with any other song that he had sang earlier. His eyes sincere as they met mine and his embrace reeked affection as he held me in his arms and shrieked gaily, “Yayyyy, we made it alive.” And then he withdrew, and then he was at the reception and then inside their room tossing his shoes in the air and then he slept. And she simply looked on, replaying the moment, the last song in her head.

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Many many moons ago, Pranav had perched himself on the balcony of their honeymoon suite and sang for me this song. He had taken me in his arms and said, “I know this is not Kashmir but I promise that a day will come when you will have your dream. Perched atop a hill, I will nestle you closer and sing to you this song.”I had laughed then, arguing that my dream is not a five minute sequence from a Yash Raj movie. He had countered me, “If not yours, then this is mine, both a dream and a promise to you.”

It was his idea that we sing songs to keep ourselves engaged in the journey and so w had. He had sung a lot of old romantic songs, particularly Mukesh‘s because he was such an oldie with music. No tadak bhadak, just raw emotions and melody. I was enjoying the choices he was making with the songs. Because they were beautiful songs and beautiful songs are meant to be relished with every lyric. But never during those four hours, had an emotion stirred in my heart because at the end of the day, they were mere words strung together for recreation. Until he sung the last one and a box in the back of my mind flipped open, the memory resurfaced and a riddle took siege on me. Was it simply a song or was it a message that he was hoping to deliver in the guise of a song?

When they were getting to know each other better, Pranav would often remark what a nightmare must it be to born with my brain. The kind of brain that is always looking out for symbols. Every time I would over analyse a fact, a gesture an occurrence, he would chastise me saying that not everything is a code for you to decrypt, some things can be taken at face value. But I would make a mental assertion that maybe it is a code after all, a jigsaw puzzle to be brought to order. How ironic is it, that today he had played on what he once deemed nightmarish to earn a second lease on our marriage. That after all, I had left no doors for him to reach to me but through a code. Talk about friction, someone.

What if it was only was a song, an innocent song that was being read into excessively. Among the many things that we have both forgotten over time, the promise could have been one. When we had begun on the path of estrangement, he would tell me in the middle of arguments that my knack of reading between lines has deluded me into misjudging his actions and him; that it is this that will cost us our relationship. Come to think of it now, if it is that, what comes as natural as a reflex to me, then it is his words that hold veracity in the end. And this night has been nothing short of being a futile exercise in the hope of holding onto a relationship that I have rendered dysfunctional.

When did my life come to sound like Clouds in my Coffee? Deep poetic words ought to be liked on pages not begin to parallel your life. If only, I could stop thinking of this song, that would ease the muddling in my head. Once I had read on Quora, that the trick to stop singing a song was to think of how it ends. But before I can reach the end, I get stuck on,

Iss duniya mein kaun tha aisa

Jaisa maine socha tha

Haan tum bilkul waisi ho

Jaisa maine socha tha

 


This is the 11th chapter of the story I had begun to write as a part of AtoZ Challenge. To make more sense of it, hop onto the page Anniversary and Kashmir.

 

Just in time

I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep.

Screw that, I want to sleep.

God, why can I not sleep.

Pranav’s brain was buzzing with continuous calls for sleep, “The last time I felt so helpless with sleep was in that wretched Economics class in 12th standard. I would sit and yawn incessantly during the entire class and imagine if there was a sleep suppressing device consisting of two small sticks that you could fit in between the eyelids. The sticks would hold the eyelids apart, thereby preventing them from meeting and making it difficult for a person to sleep. Fifteen years hence, and there is still no sign of such an equipment. God, what would I have not given to sleep then. God, what would I not give to sleep right now. Why am I never able to do what I want to do? Why do I always have to turn a blind eye to what I desire?”

“Pranav, be a man and let this be an exception. Be a man and follow your heart. Carpe diem, if all that you yearn for is sleep then you will sleep, right here right now.”

Pranav closed his eyes. He could feel his mind come to a blank. He was coming to enjoy the ease but his relaxed stance had let the motorcycle freewheel ahead. As the road turned slightly, his helmet collided with Namrata’s and  they were going to fall. He opened his eyes just in time to take control of the bike and save them from tripping. He braked and parked in a corner to catch his breath and recollect his thoughts.

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Namrata got off the bike, removed her helmet and as she stretched her arms casually she told him,”Pranav, I know that there must have been a lot of occasions lately when all you must have wanted is to get rid of me; and if killing me is how you have decided to achieve that, I just want you to know that I don’t want to die in an accident especially not so far from home, especially in a secluded valley where my corpse will rot unattended for hours before a living soul realizes of my having passed to a higher abode.”

“Namrata, can you save the speech please. I did not intend to kill you, I just lost hold of the brakes for a minute, that’s it.”, Pranav rattled back at her.

“Don’t lie Pranav, I know you dozed for some seconds and you were knocked out of it when your brain cells registered that we are going to trip and not very pleasantly.”, Namrata asserted with confidence.

“That is absolute crap. You are sitting behind me, how can you say for certain that I was about to sleep.”, he argued.

Namrata smiled, she tucked a hair strand behind her ears and began explaining to him, “Pranav, you have a horrible hand at automobiles but what you have demonstrated in the past fifteen minutes with the Royal Enfield is even shameful for your grotesque riding skills. Now, renting a bike to Leh was your idea, so you’d commit your life to validate this idea; which means you should not be riding this bad. But you are, so that means something is meddling with your attention. On a usual day your brain is occupied with three things, work, food and sleep. You haven’t thought of work since the day we flew out of Delhi, you aren’t hungry because we just stopped at a dhaba an hour ago, which means this most definitely has to be sleep. You haven’t slept in the past three days, because we had an early flight, the next night you woke up at around 4am, the next night we had an argument and you spent most part of the night in some part of the hotel I know nothing of and then last night you woke up early to arrive at this amazing plan. All of this strengthens my theory that your brain wants you to sleep and you obliged to its demand.”

Pranav exasperated at her well founded theory, let out in a hurry, “You’d give anything to prove that riding a bike to Leh was a bad idea.”

“You think I need to voluntarily prove it. This was an exciting idea Pranav but not in your context. You abhor riding/driving and for you to ride a motorcycle from Pahalgam to Leh, for eight hours straight, on an uphill road, that does not sound anything short of torture to me.”, she told him.

Pranav was left with no energy to contest her theory. He sat down on the road and with his face between his hands, he agreed, “You are right.”

“About you having dozed off or this being a torture?”, she asked him.

“Both.”, he answered.

“Haha, I knew it.”, she cried out.

“Do you really think this is the time for your evil laughter and that ‘I told you so’ expression.”, he asked her.

“You dragged me out of bed at 5 to pursue a plan based on a 3 second impulse. I think I have earned a minute to relish my victory.”, she replied with an air of pride.

Pranav shook his head in disbelief. How important is it for her to be right, he thought to himself and called out”What a kid you are, Nam?”

“That coming from the person who drew up the most childish plan in the history of mankind.”, she teased him.

“Now that’s an exaggeration.”, he said.

“Who said I believed in subtlety and accuracy.”, she reasoned.

“You can take pride in your foresight for the rest of your life but right now we have to decide what we do next.”, he reminder her of the problem at hand.

“We have to keep moving ahead.”, she articulated without a doubt.

“But I can’t do this anymore.”, he informed her.

“But you have to.”,she stated matter of factly.

“At the cost of killing us both, do you want me to do that.”, he stated in a more matter of factly tone.

“Pranav you can’t chicken out of this plan in the middle of nowhere.”, she argued.

“We are in Dras, we can stay here for the night.”, he suggested.

“Do you know a place where we can put up for the night?”, she inquired.

“We can look for one.”, he replied.

“Another 3 second impulse, is that? What if we do not find a decent accommodation, we will have to revert to the original plan, go to Leh. So why take a detour?”, she contended.

“I cannot ride Nam; the odds that I will die with the monotony of riding are far more than the odds of dozing off while riding. Not that the latter is not lethal but the former has a more venomous factor.”, he explained to her with a tone of exhaustion in his voice.

“Wait a minute, why don’t you ride us ahead.”, he proposed.

“Absolutely not.”, she answered.

“Why not? You love roads, you enjoy every twist they throw at you and at one point you fancied taking an exotic bike trip.”, he insisted.

“That was 25 when I nurtured such fancies, much before my back began giving up on me in the absence of proper support.”, she explained.

“Oh Namrata, don’t present yourself as a 66 year old. You know you can do this and you know we have no alternative and you know it will be a delight for you.”, he said with conviction.

“Okay but only because you have left us no other options. But there are two conditions.”, she announced.

“What?”, he asked her.

“You cannot sleep and you have to keep me entertained.”, she told him.

“As long as I rid myself of riding the beast, everything is fine by me. Even not sleeping and even brainstorming what can I bring to the table for your entertainment”, he told her.

“Sounds like we have a deal then.”, she voiced out as she smiled and fastened the helmet on her head.

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Impulse

“Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam. Nam, wake up. Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam please wake up.”, Pranav utters, shaking her forearm lightly.

“Hmmmm. Shush.”, she tells him covering her face with duvet.

“Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam, Nam.”, he goes on calling out.

“Hush. Go away. Go far away.”, Namrata says irritably.

“Nam, Nam, Nam, you have to wake up.”, he repeats to her.

“Pranav, what is wrong with you. We just slept some time ago.”, she asks him.

“Nam, it has been four hours, four whole hours, since we slept. Please get up, please. Nam, Nam, Nam, no don’t sleep again, we have to leave Nam, we have to leave right now.”, he tells her.

“Hmmmmm. It’s not even morning yet. What’s the rush? Let me sleep.”, she replies.

“The sun’s going to be up any minute now. If we have to go where I have decided for us to go, we will have to leave now. So, get your lazy bum off the bed and get going.”, he tells her with a sense of authority.

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“Firstly, I am not a lazy bum. Secondly, what place is this that we are going to? Thirdly, wherever this place must be, the roads that lead to it will not change locations like the staircases in Hogwarts. So whenever we leave, we will reach just in time. So get your head off of me and let me sleep in peace.”, she snaps at him as she sits down with her head leaning against the headboard.

“Nam, I have a plan, for the plan to work, we have to leave now.”, he states to her.

“Why did you not tell about this plan last night?”, she questions him.

“Because, I had not figured it out until last night.”, he answers her.

“Then, when exactly did you arrive at this plan, in your sleep? No wonder it sounds so absurd right at the start.”, she articulates sarcastically.

“Always have the energy to ridicule my plans, don’t you? But, I am not going to give you the pleasure of ruining what I have thought for us. I had decided on this with a lucid mind. I have been up for half an hour. I was walking outside, reading random articles stored in my Pocket. One of it was about the 3 second rule, if one does not follow their gut instinct in 3 seconds, then they end up doing what social conditioning dictates and pass on on what they really want to do. Then, I was walking outside, thinking about what should we be doing today and an idea struck me and I decided that this is it. This is what I want do and I shall do just that.”, he explains to her.

Namrata grabs his arm, moves slightly from where she is sitting and says, “Pranav, sit down, I believe the rum is messing with your brain. You need to sleep.”

“Nam, I am fine, my brain is at its functional best and I have a sound plan. The only thing messing with me right now, is your stubbornness. You have already delayed us and trust me you will regret this later on. Go get ready now.”, he emphasizes to her.

“Okay, I just asked myself, ‘Do I want to leave right now, do I want to be a part of your amazing plan?’. My instinct said no and in the three seconds that follow, I have decided I will value what my instinct has to say. Good night Pranav. Catch you later.”, she announces to him and lies down again.

“Why do you have to argue so much?”, he asks her with helplessness building in his voice.

“Is that a question, you should be asking a lawyer? I make a living out of arguments.”, she responds with a smirk on her face.

“Fine, go sleep. I gave you ten days of my life because you decided to come to Kashmir on an impulse. But my impulse does not even one warrant day of your life. Let’s abandon my plan. You sleep, I will see what I am going to do.”, he tells her with a dismal look on his face. He gets up and starts walking towards the door.

In a minute, Namrata’s entire body tenses up.He had played the minority card. Let’s assume their marriage was a democracy, she the majority and he the minority. He’d always say like the minorities do, we are unheard on our own land, we are not cared for, in our own country. She could never think an argument on this. She knew he could be faking it but then a part of her would reason, what if he is not. What if he actually feels neglected. That is when her gut instinct triggers her to make it up to him, to do what he wants her to do.

“Wait, I am going to get ready, we will leave in fifteen minutes.”, she utters, sitting cross legged and rubbing her eyes, her face resembling that of a seven year old who has just lost all her marbles in an unexpected strike.

Pranav turns around and smiles at her meekly. He thinks to himself, ‘Look who is having the last laugh after all, the one who does not make a living out of arguments. She always melts at that one.’

Envy

Pranav had just made it in time. Not just with the flowers, but in picking her up as well. As she left from breakfast, he called to tell her that he was waiting in the parking. He had planned a Jeep ride to Dachigam National Park. They would spend the afternoon here and return to the hotel by evening. If they manage their time well, they’d witness the sunset on a shikara in the Dal, if not, they would witness the sheer beauty of their surroundings on a shikara in the Dal. Initially, they had toured the park on the jeep but decided to walk for the most part.

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“Did you have any other plans for the day?”, asked Pranav.

“No, nothing as such.”, Namrata replied.

“If you did, you can tell me about them, we can skip the shikara ride in the evening.”, he suggested.

“No Pranav, the only plan that I have made lately is to come to Kashmir and with that, a part of me believes that I have exhausted my annual quota of planning things in advance.”, she retorted.

He giggled meekly, she looked at him and sighed.

“What, now my stupidity also does not strike as amusing enough for you to crack up into a hearty laughter.”, she asked him cheekily.

“Just like on many other fronts, there is room for improvement here as well.”, he answered back.

She slapped him on his arm and they both chuckled.

She had entirely forgotten what walking and bantering with Pranav felt like. For that matter, she had entirely forgotten what being with Pranav was like. Pranav brought a sense of organization to the table. He always functioned with a plan. All the trips that they had taken together were a product of his meticulous plans. This was one of the first things that had drawn her towards him, his management skills, his sense of control. And this was the one thing that had validated her belief that they were meant for each other, that they fit together. Because she was a free spirited soul who functioned on an impulse and impulse almost always backfires or leaves room for an error. So every time she was in need of a blueprint or a modus operandi, he would pitch in.

As much as she had been demonstrating agony on his decision to come to Kashmir, a part of her is relieved because he will take care of the itineraries and arrangements and the must visit spots and the little known places, while she could simply breathe free. The ability to breathe free defined what she wanted out of this trip.

On days she would admire his forethought and on days she’d envy him. Envy because she suspected that if they fall apart, he would have a plan even for that contingency, unlike her, whose plan could be summed up into two words- fall apart. But what good will envy do to her, she knew she was always much less than what he deserved.

Pranav peeked onto the DSLR, some of the pictures that Namrata had taken  were brilliant. He was surprised and asked her, “From what I can recall, you were a lousy photographer.”

“Yes, I indeed was.”, she confirmed.

“Then, how did this happen?”, he asked her, pointing to an endearing picture of a black bear on the camera.

“I looked up for photography workshops online. I had joined a bird watching group last year and I used to take my camera along on Sunday mornings. Then earlier this year, when you were in Brazil, I would go to Mughal Gardens and photograph the gardens in full bloom. I had started because I had had idle time on my hands and eventually I began to enjoy it.”, she told him.

Namrata takes the camera from him and slyly walks ahead to photograph a musk deer, while Pranav looks at her in awe. When he had bought the camera she had protested, knowing that he was buying only because they could afford it not because any one of them was driven towards photography. Out of them both, she had taken time to make use of one of the many things that were of no use to them. But it was not only her efforts that he admired but this lack of restraint that she exercised, this sense of liberty that was ingrained in her being. How she wants to try her hand at a number of things and how she accommodates them in her schedule. With her, nothing is unattainable. This quality of her was what he had fallen for in the first place, the boundlessness of her spirit. On some days he admired it and on some days he envied it. Envy because he suspected that the day she would call it quits on them, she would move on another project and she would go on to do that till something comes to satisfy her, till something makes her feel whole again. But what good would envy do to him, he always knew that she deserved much better than him.

He continued to walk and think, until he hit a rocky patch when his feet staggered and he was knocked out of the string of thoughts. He saw the sunlight easing and a hue of crimson drawing in the sky, he stopped where he was, and called out, “Namrata, if we go back from this point, we may make it in time.”

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Love dwells in mutuality, but what if the mutuality roots in the belief of not being good enough for each other. Does that count as well?


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Last Laugh

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hain
Ki zindagi teri zulfon ki narm chhaon mein guzarne pati
to shadab ho bhi sakti thi.

Sometimes a thought surfaces in my heart, that this life could have been lush had it been lived in the soft shadows of your tresses.

Yeh ranj-o-gham ki siyahi jo dil pe chhayi hai
Teri nazar ki shuaon mein kho bhi sakti thi.

That the color of despair spread across this heart could have been lost in the glint of your eyes.

Magar yeh ho na saka aur ab ye aalam hai
Ki tu nahin, tera gham teri justjoo bhi nahin.

But this could not happen and now it is such that neither do I have you nor the sorrow of your loss nor the desire to have you anymore.

Guzar rahi hai kuchh iss tarah zindagi jaise,
ise kisi ke sahare ki aarzoo bhi nahin.

This life is effluxing as though it does not seek the assistance of another.

Na koi raah, na manzil, na roshni ka suraag
Bhatak rahi hai andheron mein zindagi meri.

There is not a path or a destination or the trace of light ahead but my life has been caught in darkness.

Inhi andheron main reh jaoonga kabhi kho kar
Main janta hoon mere hum-nafas, magar yun hi
Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal aata hai.

That I know, it is in this darkness that I shall be lost forever my darling, yet just like that a thought surfaces in my heart.

She loved this poem. She would tell him that she fancies this poem being dedicated to her. He used to laugh at her. Laugh at her naivete for fancying to be someone’s lost love. Who would want another life to be consumed in the wake of them being gone? In a forthright stance, she would ask him, “Who would not want to be loved with that intensity?”

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Fifteen years on, as he stands in their room, caught between drawn curtains, an untouched bed and unworn clothes hanging in the cupboard, a multitude of memories come back to him. Conspicuous among which is the one of her talking of the poem. He wonders if it is a silly coincidence or an unfortunate foresight that she is having the last laugh on this one. Because all he can think of doing is to quote the words of this poem to her picture.

That I know, it is in this darkness that I shall be lost forever my darling, yet just like that a thought surfaces in my heart.

The Last Letter

Dear S

It’s been a week since I made the call. The final one to call it quits. It is a year now, since we first met. A year since you set foot in my life. From the onset, your arrival had gained an unparalleled prominence. Every corner I looked at, I could spot people talking about you. About the brilliance that is bundled up in you.

It was difficult to not notice how you had taken everyone with a stir. Maybe my haste took the better of me. I should have waited before I made the first call. Or before welcoming you in my life. Some think that I was overcome with greed. That I saw a nice bloke offering the promise of a fruitful alliance and pounced on the first opportunity to have him for myself. But it wasn’t such at all. You were new and I wanted you to feel welcome in our lives. I wanted you to feel loved. I wanted you to meet other people and extend your goodness to them as well.
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I am not going to be disrespectful. So I won’t lie that I had never been disappointed during the course of our relationship. It was the discontent that consumed our bond. I felt cheated. I felt that the spectacle that you were touted as, was a fallacy. That it was window dressing after all. It was a taxing bond. I know that relationships are not a walk in the park. But I was always at a loss. You took far more than you gave.

All I wanted was for you to show some generosity. To bend your schedules for me. To fulfill your promises. To reward my commitment and loyalty. But you did none of these. It was about your decisions and choices.

It wasn’t easy. A few advised me against the separation. But I had realized what our problem was. It was what Elizabeth had told Neal, “There is a difference between loving the idea of someone and who they actually are”. I thought it was best to walk out of an illusory relationship. Thus I made the call and told you that we can be together no more.
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I am not a cold heart. Of course I miss you. I miss seeing you in your spot. I miss the sparkle in my eyes every time I looked at you. I miss the excitement of being with you. But it burns me to see everyone reminding me of the parting of our ways. When people pop their faces in every commercial break to tell me that you are going to telecast the new seasons of Revenge, Homeland, Goldbergs, Blacklist and White Collar. It is so difficult to resist calling the customer care to re-activate my subscription of Star World Premiere HD. To resist from not falling prey to the notion of ‘I am watching it with America’ again. To subdue the desperation of watching these shows. I know that I don’t watch White Collar any longer but if I had the channel I may give it another try.

It is such thoughts that I battle with every day. But you and I are done. I cannot let one ninth of my monthly subscriptions go to a channel that I barely watched. Not when you spent a year telecasting Person of Interest, It’s always sunny in Philadelphia, Glee and many others that I do not watch. Goodbye.

Love Palak

P.S. I want you to know that I know Goldbergs is your petty scheme of getting back at me. I once stated in your presence my desire of watching Goldbergs next. But not one thing is going to change between us, not even if you were to air the sixth  season of The Good Wife and that says a lot.