How to (not) live a healthy life?

Have you ever resolved to reform your habits to move towards a better life? Have you ever thought of making healthy lifestyle changes after watching that fitness vlog on YouTube? I have and so I decided to compile a small guide to what to expect when you attempt turning a new leaf in terms of health.


  • Decide to wake up early in the morning. Wake up early in the morning to veto against the decision and conveniently sleep for another hour. Nothing like the morning hours to flex those brain muscles, right?

giphy8


  • Download Headspace in your phone which has guided ten minute meditation sessions. Meditate for four consecutive days, then get busy with life and forget about your resolution to meditate. Open Headspace after two months with fresh vigor. Revisit the first four sessions because you need to brush the basics for the 5th session. And then again, get busy with life after 4 days. And then again, revisit the first 4 sessions after two months. If this is not the ‘circle of life’, then what is?

giphy9


  • Watch close to a hundred online videos on meal prepping for healthy eating. Get high on the idea of bento boxes. Apply the restraint to not invest in a bento box upfront; instead buy a simple lunch box. Make cucumber tomato sandwiches for lunch. Let it sit in your lunch box for hours. Open it to witness what a soggy mess has it become. Be more revolted with the idea of healthy eating.

giphy10


  • Find avocados in every YouTube video/Pinterest tutorial you see. Become fascinated with this obscure fruit/vegetable that the clean eating world is going gaga over. Buy two avocados for 38 rupees from Big Basket. Let them sit in the brown paper bag they came in. Take them out after a week to make a spread. Be confronted with a black skinned fruit with fungus growing over it’s body. Throw it away. Maybe some things are meant to remain obscure.

giphy11


  • Make a willful decision to include greens in your meals. Put lettuce in every toast that you make. Garnish all your food with parsley/coriander. Even go to the lengths of buying spinach, a vegetable that you’ve deeply abhorred since childhood. Put some of it in scrambled eggs and spend the next one hour puking. Because apparently, not only do you hate the taste of spinach, it gives you acidity as well. Also, don’t even get me started on the rocket science of storing greens to keep them from rotting.

giphy12


  • Buy mushrooms. Because all the time lapse recipes on salads and pot meals include mushrooms. What they do not include is the uphill task of cleaning them. Spend the next two hours researching on how to clean your mushrooms- to soak them in water, to clean them with a brush or to clean them with a paper towel. Add to that the debate of clearing the black hairy fiber on the inside of mushroom caps. To be or not to be, could this be any more difficult.

giphy13


  • Boil chick peas/garbanzo beans to make hummus. Why? Because you shouldn’t eat normal butter, you hate the taste of peanut butter (I once took 4 hours to finish a toast with peanut butter because I asked for it and did not like the taste of it, but I had been brought up to not waste food, so 4 hours of my life were invested in the act of consuming that godforsaken toast), so what will you use as a spread? Hummus. Let the chick peas sit for a day in the refrigerator. Fail to procure sesame and olive oil for making hummus because the time and economics involved in clean eating purely baffles you. Take the chickpeas and make kulche chhole maskha maar ke (smeared with butter).

giphy14


  • Buy yourself a fitness tracker and wear that everyday. Realize that you walk a measly 3000 steps on a usual day because man invented motor vehicles and desk jobs. Take an initiative to walk more steps every day. Fix yourself a target. Fail it on some days. But nevertheless keep walking because consistency is the key my friend. The day that the strap breaks, promise yourself to buy a new strap but do not keep that promise. Toss your tracker in the cupboard and go back to the measly 3000 steps because who walks without a tracker.

giphy15


  • Start working out everyday. Tell yourself that you are not concerned about the fat loss but about taking your health seriously. Feel positive about the small changes in your body, about the peaking stamina, about the improved flexibility, about the higher weight that you can lift now. Then one day look at the thunder thighs and witness your resolve melting right in front of your eyes. Why kid yourself, it was all about fat loss.

giphy16


  • Drink more water everyday. Take your body to a phase where it forgets what it is like to survive on two glasses of water every day. Just stay hydrated at all times. Then one day, walk to your cubicle, see that the pantry staff has again misplaced your bottles, the ‘supply’ opens at four and that you have to walk to the canteen every time you want to drink water, which is every half an hour. After all, you could not have failed at all fronts pertaining to a healthy life, sometimes your life has to fail you too.

giphy17