Presently from inside my head V

  • I have recently started watching Gilmore Girls. It revolves around the lives of a single mother Lorelai and her 16 year old daughter Rory. On their third month anniversary date, Rory’s boyfriend shows her the car that he is making for her because he wants her to spend her time studying for Harvard rather than wasting it waiting for the bus. They both lie down in the car looking at the stars when Rory tells her that this is such a perfect moment that no moment in her life will be able to match up with the beauty of what they are sharing in that moment. Looking at them, I wondered how many of us have known or would know of a moment as exquisite as theirs.

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  • It is very easy to find fault in how another person may live their life or point their follies. Some of us take the first chance to highlight it to others- you waste a lot of time, you are indecisive, you procrastinate, you don’t think about your family, you are being childish, etc. However, when it comes to their own lives, they are all culpable of doing the same mistakes. When you point out those to them, they attempt to persuade you that they are caught in a myriad of small complexities that have to be resolved before they can arrive at a decision or act upon something. But, if it can be a myriad of complexities for them, then so can it be for the other person they were pointing a finger at. Then why not give people a benefit of doubt before criticizing them or charting out a path for them because let’s face it, everyone tries to make the most of the resources at hand, it is the small but significant considerations that hold them back.
  • I have a friend who works on software that runs on casino machines. Recently, she told me that at one point in her life, she would visit a casino and play on a slot machine with a sense of fulfillment that this is the product of her hard work. I looked at her and wondered that maybe this is what I am ardently looking for, this sense of pride in my work, this sense of satisfaction in what I do for a living. There once was a time when I took great pride in my education but now when I think about it, the only emotion that surfaces is dissatisfaction- on how little it helps me to solve any real time problems or on upholding my individuality.
  • I use Uber Pool/Ola Share on a regular basis. What strikes me is how little do both the cab companies think about their customers because their software evidently has no parameter for route optimizations when matching customers for the shared rides. I have taken a 7 km detour to drop my co-passenger in peak Bangalore traffic hours. There is a bridge that I have to cross everyday on my way to work which costs me a good 15-20 minutes. Imagine, I have been half way through the bridge and Uber tried pooling me with a rider whose society was on the service road adjacent to the bridge. Meaning which, I got off the bridge, took a U-turn after 2 kms, picked the rider and again had to go through the ordeal of passing that bridge in another 20 minutes. It’s difficult to fathom on how little thought has gone into the technology that forms the backbone of their shared services.
  • Making someone work for you is a skill, a skill that I don’t possess. Because, the time and energy required to induce another human being to work is twice of what it would take for me to complete the task at hand. Like, for example, I can ask my maid once to empty the dustbin in the room, but if she cannot recall to do the same everyday when the dustbin is parked right in front of her eyes, it goes on to reflect how little is she invested in doing her job. She has ignored it once, she will ignore it again. The more I try to remind her, the more it irks me because if I have to expend energy on making her do her work, then what good is her presence.

 

Presently from inside my head- II

  • Have you been on Pinterest, seen all the DIY crafts and been excited to try them? I feel that, however I had never been remotely inclined towards anything that my crafts teacher made me do in school. It always seemed an inconvenience to me. Perhaps because she would ask me to get a poplin cloth or a matty cloth or some other cloth, and try embroidering a flower on that and then a leaf and then a climber. But did she ever ponder, what use would that cloth be of to me. Nothing. However, I can make use of a lot of things from Pinterest, flowers and fairy lights in upcycled bulbs, centrepieces from wine bottles, photo monogram or any of the mason jar crafts. Even if they may not qualify as being useful at least they will look stunning in the living room and that supersedes all.

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  • Don’t you think that they should just stop telecasting Friends? I love friends, I have my favorites too, ‘The one where no one’s ready‘, ‘The one without the skiing trip‘, ‘The one where Ross got high‘, ‘The one where everybody finds out‘ and most episodes from the first six seasons. However, from Zee Studio to Star World to Warner Bros. and now to Romedy Now, television has compulsively fed us with images from the lives of twenty somethings trying to survive in New York to the point that I am no longer fascinated to see them. I don’t laugh at certain jokes, the laughter track irks me now and I have analysed it to an extent that their world appears unreal, unattainable, something about it that cannot be reproduced given our economy and hostility.
  • When we are young, we constantly repeat to ourselves and others that we will not change. But I have changed and my perceptions have changed. I used to read a blog on Tumblr. Any post that I would read felt as it was my own life, my understanding of reality presented in better poetic words. I read the blog after some three months today and every thing seemed alien. I could no longer feel the resounding appeal of her work, I could no longer sympathize with her agony. So I say, I have changed. And this is simply one example of the many stances that have shifted lately.
  • Often when someone approaches us and bares their raw emotions to us, they don’t demand from us to make sense of the chaos. They simply want us to listen. I am not denying that some people appreciate being led to the solution, likewise some people want to clear their head so that they can unearth the solutions themselves. So, the next time someone wants to talk, do not draw out a pros and cons analysis of their situation, just listen, they’ll figure out the rest themselves.

Contrast

It was 3:30 pm when they left for Vivanta from the airport. If everything had fallen in place since morning, then Namrata would have been beaming, beaming at the prospect of the 20 km uphill drive to reach their decadent accommodation that happens to be nestled in the Zabrawan moutain range and offers picturesque views of the Dal Lake. But she was nowhere close to beaming. She was grumpy and the prospect of an hour long drive before she could sink in the bed added more to her exhaustion. Not once in the cab did she glance in Pranav’s direction, she simply looked out the window as if calling for assistance from nature to soothe her. However, not once in the cab did Pranav take his eyes off of her, as if calling out to her to let him soothe her. Somewhere along the drive, Pranav slipped his hand beneath her elbow to wrap it around her waist. She steered in his direction slightly and partially allowed her body to rest against his shoulder. When the serene view was complemented with the warmth of his embrace, it was only then that her world began to fall in place.

When the door had first opened to their room, Namrata could see it for the beauty it was. However, she knew she could appreciate it completely only once she took a bath so that she could cleanse her mind and body of the memory of the unpleasant morning. She removed her sneakers, stepped inside the bathroom, undressed, turned the shower on and stood beneath it. Pranav followed her inside, undressed and stood behind her. He took her in his hold, gentle yet firm at the same time. This was not about imposing him on her, this was about letting their bodies brush against each other, about caressing her hair and about kissing her neck softly. This was about bringing her to peace again.

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She slipped into a comfortable pair of breezy pajamas and a t shirt and he into a pair of boxers and vest. They hopped onto the bed, he snuggled her closer and she rest her head on his arm. She told him that if their room had a bathtub they could recreate that scene from Pretty Woman where Edward and Vivian bathe and talk in the bath tub together. He laughed and cheekily replied that the hotel does have a piano so their hopes of recreating Pretty Woman have not been completely lost. He proposed perching her on top of the piano and making love to her beautifully. She poked her elbow into his ribs, his body jerked off the bed slightly, he coughed, she laughed, he laughed along as if her laughter was infectious and then they laughed relentlessly. For whatever was left of the day, they did not have a desire to step out of the room or the bed even. At some point, there was a Mediterranean Pizza and Greek Salad and wine and at all points there were conversations and laughter. That day was being snuggled in the warmth of their affection and in that day all else seemed no more than a blur.

It was 4 am when Pranav’s Fitbit had begun to vibrate slowly to put him out of sleep. It took a brief moment for the strangeness of his surroundings and his proximity to Namrata to sink in. He is more accustomed to waking up in solitude, waking up to find himself laid in the beige couch in the study, waking up to a tiny cheek rash from the couch’s fabric itching mildly, waking up to the feeling of soreness persisting in his body. He takes another moment to wrap his head around what had he just dreamed about, of being able to ‘talk’ and ‘laugh’ and ‘be in love’ with Namrata again. It had been months since Pranav had last longed for her touch. So it was eerie to have imagined in sleep a world where he could embrace her again. Because in the real world they had not even shared an eye lock since landing in Srinagar; she had hit the showers and slept while reading; he had bathed and then read her book as she slept and somehow succumbed to sleep himself. Maybe it was the undoing of having her lay so close to him in the bed, of feeling her breath in union with his. He tossed out of the bed, walked out to the balcony and lit a cigarette. The darkness of the night and the faint glow of the golden chinar reflected in the clear aqua of the Dal Lake. It felt as if the breathtaking sight before him deserved a much deeper moment to sink than all the ones that he has had since waking up.

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As he inhaled the bout of smoke into his lungs, he thought of the Pranav in the dream. The next morning Pranav would have woken up to an inordinate desire to recreate the panoramic view of the Dal from where he stood, go on to reproduce it with Charcoal on as many sheets as it took before he could perfect the skill of tracing the brilliance and rawness of nature. For the next five years, Pranav would have arduously worked towards the pursuit of his passion. Unlike the present Pranav he would not have taken the bait of increment after increment that was thrown at him to keep him lured to his job. He would have not sacrificed his individuality, his liberty and the choices at his disposal to shield his ego, his status and his financial footing.

What did he want for to define his life, one may ask. What does it matter, he replies. All that matters is the contrast that has come to define his life, the contrast of what he sought his life to be and what has he made his life to be.


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Presently, from inside my head

If I am looking forward to an innovation at this point in time, that is a gadget which helps me transport a smell to another person. Like a small jar where you can trap the air in your vicinity and send that to someone so that they can smell the divinity you are surrounded with. How did I think of this? Every time I cook and I stand edged against the shelf, on the precipice of breaking into tears, it is the smell of the food that supplies me with hope of not having completely failed in my effort of bringing something edible to the plate. My food always smells thrice as good as it tastes. The time when I made coffee cupcakes, I was so drawn to the batter as I mixed the lukewarm coffee milk solution into the flour and the cocoa powder. Once the cupcakes went into the oven, the kitchen began to smell like a cozy patisserie round the corner. I had never imagined that I had it in me to cook something that smelled so magical.

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I am 23 and I should be earning. I am 23 and I should be earning. I am 23 and I should be earning. I am 23 and I should be earning. I am 23 and I should be earning. Who said being 23 came easy.

I want to be a success story. For instance a FitBit success story, even though I don’t own a FitBit but a Jawbone Up Move and Jawbone does not run success stories on its blog. However if it did I would not make it, because for that you have to move and I don’t move but sit and yearn to be a success at moving. If you think of it, the magnitude of your commitment to say x is directly proportional to the intensity of your desire to achieve x. I fail that relation because my desire may be very strong but I commit very little to it. So, afterall I am a success at something, of a being an exception to this relation. And I am not just talking about being a success at FitBit but making a general comment on wanting to be a success in life and the omniscient void when it comes to working towards it.

If you meet me in real life, I come across as a neat person. Eight on ten days I look neat. But these days there is something about my appearance that is odd, that is not neat. I haven’t been able to figure out what that is but I know that there is something, that irks me every morning when I am getting ready.

Imagine, you met a certain person at a certain place and point in time. Everyday both of you’d be in the same place, you talked and grew fond of each other. Eventually you reached a point in time that they moved to a different place. But you are in the same place and on some mornings you sit where you’d sit earlier and miss watching them walk through that door and want to resurrect that time in this time. Even though, to long for this, is pointless because you are both closer than you were then but the longing is still housed in your heart and is housed as a compelling guest that keeps on revisiting you.

On some days, I have this unexplained urge to go out alone for say a quick snack or coffee or looking for clothes and on some such days I have done that. However every time I am out alone, people look at me in a strange light as if there is something embarrassing or worrisome about being out and lonesome. So every time I am out on my own, I rush through the entire affair which is contrary of what I was trying to achieve, to be able to sit in peace, undisturbed. If only there was a way I could do this without thinking about others.

I don’t wear ornamental jewelry or conspicuous jewelry. I like an understated appearance. However I am wearing a black dress at a cocktail party in a month and I have bought a golden neck piece to go along with that. Now, every time I go through a shopping website I end up saving a number of jewelry pieces, minimal elaborate and intricate ones. The voice in the back of my head coaxes me to proceed to checkout. But I don’t. But I know that one day I will. One day I will end up collecting an entire lot of ostentatious jewelery that will always seem too tedious or unwieldy to wear.


 

Image found on the given link.