If you open my cupboard right now, you will come across three neatly made out packets on the lowest shelf. These consist of all the things that I want to donate and have been there for the past three months. I was meant to send chocolates to a cousin on her birthday. She’d wanted me to personally come with the chocolates but since I have certain obligations that do not allow me to be with her physically I had decided on sending the chocolates at least. It’s been two weeks past her birthday and even though I miss her and intend to do anything in my power to uplift her every time she comes up with the horror tales of her hostel and the lax college administration, I still haven’t managed to send the chocolates.
I have to get the address on my Voter Card fixed because it misses out on the name of the building. Now that we are talking of essential documents, I still have to get the Pan Card, Aadhar card and Passport made. I have been meaning to start driving again because I cannot put up with the horror of learning it from scratch. I had committed to getting a Digital Signature Certificate made for someone and I haven’t gone past discovering the five issuing authorities that are there. I had set a Goodreads reading goal of 21 books at the start of this year, of which I have read only four and that is an extremely sad number to stand on. I had shortlisted on doing a number of DIY candles/lamps on Pinterest for Diwali but Diwali is gone and I did not even come as close as getting the bulbs and mason jars for them. Also, there was a two minute microwave brownie in a mug that I had discovered on Pinterest in June that I wanted to try right that instant but decided to delay it because I could not find a mug. As it turns out, I still haven’t found the mug.
Why am I talking about all of the things that I have been procrastinating lately? Because this is the third NaBloPoMo since I have started blogging and this is the third consecutive year that I am not participating. I had my fifth semester exams going on, during the first year and it took substantial willpower to restrain myself from writing so that I could channelize my energy into studies. What has changed between then and now is that now it takes great determination to write and not be distracted with an episode on The Good Wife or an interesting article that I had saved on Pocket or something that I have been wanting to buy.
I want to write but then I end up in a series of thoughts where I conclude that I don’t have time or I don’t have ideas or the ideas that I have are not good enough to build upon. On some days, I genuinely don’t but on most days I know it in my heart that I am being plain lazy. There was a time in my life when all I longed for was a halt, to not have to rush into the future and to simply put my mind at rest. That is how it all began, when I stretched the day into a week and then the week to a couple of weeks until I had been on a break for months together, and that laziness became my second skin. That thought is the origin of how I managed to push myself so deep into this hole called hibernation and now I have not one clue how to crawl out of it.
Every morning I repeat to myself what Harvey told Mike in the fall premiere of second season of Suits, ‘get your shit together’ but the question is how does one translate that into reality. How does one push themselves out of laziness?