Have you ever realised that when you are young and naive people are immensely fond of posing questions? Questions that are of no consequence to them, but all the while questions whose worth has not dawned upon you completely. Like they are trying to measure each one of your moves even before you have planned them.
When I was much younger than I am today, I was quite often asked, “What would I like to become when I grow up?”. I was riddled at the multitude of choices open at my behest and sometimes I believe I still am. At times I was embarrassed at the humbleness of the few unambitious careers I had marked for myself. I wanted to be the voice at the railway station that announced the arrivals and departures. The woman who answers the phone or this person who organises your documents or clothes in lieu of money. But much beyond this uncertainty, I always told people, “I may not know what I want to do with my life but once I figure out what it is, I am going to be a success at it.” Those were the much younger and naiver times yet the times of unwavering self belief.
Today I am sitting in front of a doctor complaining of a knee pain which hasn’t subsided for a month. The doctor points out the small but alarming changes in my knee joint. Minuscule they might be, but they are a forewarning of arthritis that I may develop later (a sooner later) in life. He suggests that I lose weight, quite evidently my knees are facing trouble managing my weight on them. I want to laugh at his suggestion. I have always been slightly overweight. No matter how little I may eat, no matter how much I may exercise, how many stairs I may climb. I may shed a few pounds to be at a slightly lesser number at the scale but I always stand at an over weight number. So yes, I want to laugh at the ease with which he voices his suggestion. As if this was something right at my disposal and I have been a fool for ten years to have not acknowledged it.
The man who takes me for driving lessons every morning pities the fears that are conspicuous in the way I drive. The circumspect way, where you never speed irrationally, you fear braking on slopes, you breathe heavily while crossing unmanned roundabouts and T points. He advises me to empty my heart of inhibitions. For he believes, I may never be able to drive with such deep rooted fears.
At work and at times outside work, people inform me that I am working in a much lesser place than what I deserve. They apprise me to the joke that life is playing at me. I tell them that is how it is with most people in the world, that you either remain unemployed or work in a position worth lesser than your abilities. Still, they persist that I should try my luck at better places. I want to to tell them, obviously I have done that and it never works. They are not going to respond any differently to my résumé this time around.
All it takes is a leap of faith. To be free of fears, to begin beginnings and to conclude them. That is the popular belief. Eventually you witness that things start falling in place. Honestly, I used to believe that once, when I had a plenty in my abilities. Currently I have none left neither to make possibilities materialise nor to believe in beliefs again.